Help Me, I'm Alive
by MandsQuin
Summary: Sara struggles with her forbidden love for Tegan. Tegan and Sara/QUINCEST (written with alligatortearstns).
1. Chapter 1

Sara POV:

_I felt my body goosebumping to realize her hands were on my neck. It wasn't taking so long and her warm breath was chocking against mine, her piercing slid softly on my chin and her soft lips so similar to mine stuck in the corner of my mouth._

_Was an awesome feeling…_

_I ran my fingers on her back and slowly stuck my lips on hers again, kissing her with passion and she was kissing me back._

_With time, the kiss was getting hotter, and her tongue invaded my mouth exploring each corner, softly._

_The kiss broken when our lungs had no more air._

_"Sara…" She whispered on my ear, making my body shake._

_"What, Tee?" I embraced her strong with my arms, but her voice was getting far…_

I woke up fast, my body was hot, and my heart was beating fast.

"Tegan…?" I whispered to myself the name of my only twin sister, that was older than me.

My heart was beating so desperate, that I could its own beat. That's when I realized that I was alone. Tegan wasn't at home.

This wasn't the first time I had dreams about Tegan. And this was getting more frequent and intense each time. I let one tear drop on my face while I was trying to regain my strengths. Hide this from everybody and neglect my true desire was getting suffocating, unbearable. And look to Tegan everyday was killing me.

I got up from the bed with some difficulty. Tried to ahead myself to the bathroom, still with a little shake on my legs. A bath was everything I ever needed in the moment.

I took off my clothes and felt my body more heavy and hot than ever. Soon the cold water was crashing against my body, relieving and lowing the temperature to normal.

After a long time, I felt the water getting colder… Maybe was some problem in the shower, or maybe was the cold and emptiness in me to not have the woman I was always in love with, as I want… Not as a sister, or a band partner, but as a lover… A forbidden love… Is this what I was living in the last years, and this was driving me mad.

Not holding on the cold anymore, I got out from the bathroom and wear a sweatshirt. The cold invaded my apartment, and my head was spinning around.

I slowly walked to the kitchen, took a medicine for headache, and got back to my bed. I knew the day wasn't going to be easy.

When I closed my eyes, I remembered the dream and so many others that always told the same story, had the same sense. My intense and unbearable passion for my twin sister.

Wasn't easy already have to handle my sexuality, and now, I didn't know how to handle if anybody knew that I'm dying in love with my sister, the girl that was always with me, since I was little.

How the society will handle this? What my mother will think? What Tegan will do?

This is killing me inside… I don't know how to disguise this anymore; I don't know how to react, I don't know how I will control myself when I see Tegan again.

How I will talk to her normally on the stage if every time I look at her my heart beat fast, when she does a little movement I can't stop looking and the desire takes my body each minute?

I'm going nuts with this…

I looked at the clock. It was 4 p.m. and I haven't eaten breakfast yet, neither had lunch. I was completely without hungry.

I have to stop thinking about this, maybe if a walk a bit I may help me. I hadn't too much clothes on my wardrobe, I only wore a t-shirt, jeans and a heavy coat. Walking on the streets it was so silenced and cold, not as much as was on me.

The trees were without much color, very few people on the coffee shop and cars on the street. Soon I saw the bar where I used to buy some drinks to make a party. This time I bought only a glass of beer. It wasn't make me forget my confusion, but maybe will distract me a little bit.

On the second gulp, my stomach started to get inched and my head started to spin. This was getting me sick. I barely could stand on my feet. I got a taxi and got back home.

When I sat down on the couch, the walls started to spin around me. Pictures of when I was a kid, adolescent… Me, my mother, my sister… Hugs that Tegan gave me, happy pictures of us… And think that this love that I feel can ruin it all.

My mom will get disappointed, Tegan will hate me, they don't deserve this… This is driving me mad, I don't deserve to live. Don't deserve stay here anymore, I can't take anymore…

I got up from the couch; the cold in that house was freezing me. I went to the bathroom, and looked myself on the mirror. The face I once knew before didn't exist anymore. My eyes, red and swollen, showing my weakness physic and psychological. I couldn't handle this life anymore, I was ashamed of myself, and the worst was that I couldn't tell anyone this. Everybody would hate me.

I opened the stand on the mirror and I found an object familiar to me, during this past few days. Although I was hiding from everybody, my cuts were getting deeper and visible, but they were the only way to handle with my thoughts.

I sat down on the cold floor in the bathroom and cried. After a few minutes, my tears were replaced by some pain that I was already used to. My arms got red, and my eyes were slowly closing…


	2. Chapter 2

Tegan POV:

I opened the house door, escaping from the snow that insisted in freeze me. The last days were colder than the normal, or maybe this cold was only inside me. Lately I had been feeling some strange feels about Sara. I was worried about her. She's been acting weird, and sometimes she didn't even look me in the eyes while we were talking. And all of this was making me want to be close to her… Take care of her… She looked so fragile…

I woke up from my thoughts and entered in home. Everything was so cold, silenced and dark. I had a bad feeling when I get into the house.

"Sara, I'm home!" I told.

The silence remained. I started to walk through the house to see if I found her. No sign. I started to get worried. And if she leave and didn't told me?

"Sara, where are you?"

I got my cellphone and tried to call her. Reached my bag and dialed the numbers on the screen. For my surprise, I heard a familiar tune. Was Sara's cellphone. I searched for it, and found it on the table.

"Sara, this is not funny!" I was getting impatient.

Still searching for her, I got into the bathroom. What I saw shocked me. Sara was lying in the bathroom floor, closed eyes, with a lot of blood.

"SARA! What happened?! Talk to me! What have you done?!"

I got up and tried to sit down her. I got terrified with this image of my sister. I never thought she could do it.

"Tee…" she told, still weak.

"I'm here, I'm going to help you."

Quickly I got a cloth to clean the blood around Sara and a glass of water. Sara was getting her strengths back.

"Tee… I'm sorry…"

"You scared me. Don't say anything, you need to rest."

I got her in my arms and headed her into bed.

"Are you better?" I asked her.

"Yes… Thanks…"

We stayed a minute in silence. But still was sadness in Sara's eyes.

"So… Are you going to tell me why did you do this?"

I was really worried about her. I needed to know what was bothering her in the past few days. But Sara only closed her eyes and turned into a side, in silence.

She was so fragile, so weak… I could look and take care of her forever… Even sick, she never lost her beauty. Her mouth perfectly designed, her pink cheeks, her hair so similar to mine… She was really beautiful.

"Ok, if you don't want to talk, you don't need to."

"Wait, Tee… There's something I need to say." I felt she was a little ashamed "I need to talk, because I can't keep this inside me anymore…"

"Ok, talk."

After a long time, Sara started to talk.

"Tee, you're everything to me, you're perfect. Every time I look at you, this confirms. I love you, I can't live without you anymore. I'm in love with you, and I can't hide this. That's why the cuts in my arm, that's why I avoid looking at you, that's why I avoid talking to you. Because I know you won't accept me after this."

My head started to spin and I lost the notion of time and space. Sara… My twin sister… I couldn't say a word.

Sara started to cry. I didn't know what to do. Saw her like that broke my heart. I felt terribly confuse, without knowing if was because Sara told me this, or because my feelings weren't so different from my sister's.

Finally, I raised my hand and reached Sara's eyes, drying her tears.

"Sara… Don't cry…"

I held her hand and slowly my lips found hers. An innocent kiss, that was becoming more passionate and avid. Our mouths fit perfectly, like we were made for each other. Our hands slide into one another's body, knowing ourselves. I held Sara in a way that I never did. I whispered in her ear:

"Sasa… Never do this again, ok?"

"Never again, Tee… I promise. Stay with me forever?"

"I'm never going to leave you… Never."


End file.
